On 15 September, Boris Johnson, play-acting in his very own episode of The Apprentice, issued a volley of ‘You’re fired’ and ‘You’re hired’ edicts to the members of the clique who currently rule over us. Delighted as we may be to see the back of some of these odious pariahs, in the British government, the door to the Tory Cabinet is a revolving one.
Education
Fired – Gavin Williamson; Hired – Nadim Zahawi
Williamson was previously sacked from the role of Defence Secretary in 2019 for leaking details of Huawei’s planned involvement in Britain’s 5G network. He has dithered his way through the pandemic in the wake of Johnson, confidently announcing returns to school only to be compelled to rescind this days later as the reality of the virus spread became impossible to ignore. His most embarrassing U-turn was probably that on the use of a blatantly anti-working class ‘algorithm’ to give school students grades for the exams they were unable to take because of Covid. There have been no U-turns or dithering, however, when it comes to making sure that, even in a pandemic, the education system continues to generate profits for private companies selling services such as the Covid ‘catch-up’ National Tutoring Programme.
Williamson is replaced by multi-millionaire Nadhim Zahawi, who was previously Vaccines Minister. Zahawi has an extensive property empire and is one of the highest earning British MPs.
Housing
Fired – Robert Jenrick; Hired – Michael Gove
If the government had the slightest sense of propriety, Jenrick would have been sacked over a year ago for fast-tracking approval for a luxury housing development in East London in exchange for a hefty donation to the Conservative Party. However, in an administration which held onto the unelected Dominic Cummings long after he blatantly breached Covid guidelines in Barnard Castlegate, a little bribery and corruption is easily overlooked. Jenrick himself was no respecter of his own government’s Covid guidance, spending the early part of the March 2020 lockdown to-ing and fro-ing between his London and Hereford homes, plus trips to his parents in Shrewsbury, despite having written sanctimoniously in the Tory voters’ very own Daily Mail about how everyone should stay home and not be tempted to visit their mums on Mother’s Day.
Jenrick is replaced by the ubiquitous Michael Gove, previously both Education and Justice Secretary, with two unsuccessful bids to be Conservative Party leader and a few back-stabbings under his belt. Gove is held in contempt by most of the population and the 2014 internet game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ was way more popular than the new ‘Minister for Levelling Up’ has ever been.
Foreign Office
Fired – Dominic Raab; Hired – Liz Truss
Raab’s removal is clearly in response to his embarrassing the government by not returning from holiday in Crete in mid-August while the Taliban were taking over Kabul and the British occupying forces were being forced to beat a hasty retreat.
He has been replaced as Foreign Secretary, by Liz Truss, the sabre-rattling former sales rep for ‘Global Britain’. Truss is Tory voters’ favourite cabinet minister, apparently with many a local branch lamenting not snapping her up in 2005 or 2010 when she was a candidate-for-hire. She has been Minister for Women and Equalities since 2019, a post which she continues to hold, as such trivia as stalling progress on removing barriers to gender recognition can presumably be done in her spare time.
Justice
Fired – Robert Buckland; Rehired – Dominic Raab
Buckland (a rare Remainer in a nest of Brexiteers) has been Justice Secretary for the past two years during which time plans have been put in place to increase the prison population by 10,000. On Buckland’s watch, although measures were passed in parliament whereby up to 4,000 prisoners could be let out in order to prevent Covid spread, these schemes were discontinued after less than five months, with just 275 having been released.
Proving you can’t keep an incompetent Tory down, Raab exited the door marked ‘Foreign Secretary’ only to re-enter the one marked ‘Justice Sec’ five minutes later. Watch this space as he holidays in the sun while the10,000 new prisoners decide it’s been a long time since Strangeways and a prison rebellion is in order. The Justice Secretary also gets to be Lord Chancellor, a historic title of nominally higher rank than the Prime Minister. Watch out Boris.
Culture
Fired – Oliver Dowden; Hired – Nadine Dorries
As ‘Culture’ rates down there with ‘Women and Equalities’, Dowden is spinning this as more a promotion than a firing, although nobody is really convinced. The post is misnamed though, as the role seems to entail less encouraging culture and more engaging in ‘culture wars’ – championing the promotion of a particular narrow, xenophobic strand of history, art and architecture, against an apparent onslaught from ‘the woke’. Dowden’s highlights include ensuring government buildings fly the Union Jack every day, insisting ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ continue to be the centrepiece of the Last Night of the Proms and lecturing museums on the need to retain statues of slave-owners, backed by threats to remove their funding if they refuse to comply.
Dowden’s replacement brings hands-on knowledge of popular culture, having appeared on I’m a Celebrity – Get me out of here in 2012 (although she was not popular with the viewers, who delighted in voting her off in week one). Dorries will fit in well with the demands of the role that only British imperialist ‘culture’ is of value; in 2018 she claimed that Boris Johnson’s ‘pillar box’ comments about Muslim women wearing niqabs ‘did not go far enough’ and that it was ‘shameful that countries like France and Denmark are way ahead of us’ in banning the wearing of burqas. It’s not known whether being the first MP to contract Covid has changed her view on the utility of face coverings.
Nicki Jameson
